


some things you can't undo (this is my absolution)

by loumillerlesbian



Category: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Genre: Debbie is an idiot, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Pre-Canon, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 10:06:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17999777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loumillerlesbian/pseuds/loumillerlesbian
Summary: "Please," Debbie whispers, and then she sinks to her knees because there's no other way she can think of anymore. Words may evade her and Lou won’t give her the time to find them, but she needs to make her understand that she’s sorry, that she’s willing to do anything to make this right.“Punish me.”





	some things you can't undo (this is my absolution)

**Author's Note:**

> okay. so first things first, I know this won't be for everyone not because it's drastic or anything but rather because of how Debbie and Lou act in this. It's not really how I would write them for my personal headcanons/my series (and it's very much unrelated to that), but I do think it's interesting and I'm glad I wrote it.
> 
> I had one scene of this written and then /some people/ suggested context, so yeah, this is basically my attempt at making that work. 
> 
> I wanna thank syd for being the best beta reader in the world (she kicked my ass so much with this it's incredible but this would still be a wreck without her) and Nicole for giving me the starting point for this (I'm sorry I just completely picked your version apart) 
> 
> Anyways, I really hope you enjoy this!

“Ready to go, _honey_?”

Debbie freezes mid-laugh at what the girl had been saying because there's an edge to the pet name, just subtle enough for only Debbie to notice, as a familiar arm wraps around her waist. Her eyes widen momentarily before she catches herself. She had been so caught up in her conversation she hadn’t even noticed Lou approaching and her sudden appearance by her side takes her by surprise, but there’s something in her words she can’t decipher. Lou had seemed fine the last time she’d looked over at her, so what had happened in the meantime?

Shooting an apologetic half-smile at the woman she'd been talking to, she follows the pull of Lou's arm easily, lets her lead them outside.

“Is everything alright?” she asks as soon as they’re out the door, careful because she can clearly tell that something must be wrong by the frown on her face, but suddenly Lou’s arm drops from her body and there's enough distance between them to fit another person. It stops her short - she hadn’t expected such a harsh reaction - but Lou doesn't even wait, only picks up her confident stride and walks down the street in the direction of their apartment. Her head is spinning a little when she hastens to follow her, calling out.

"Lou, wait!"

It takes her a bit to catch up with her partner, but even when she does, Lou doesn't stop. She barely looks at Debbie, buries her hands deeper inside her coat pockets and keeps walking.

"Lou, what’s wrong?"

The blonde stops, finally, abruptly, and Debbie almost crashes into her.

“Seriously, Debbie?” There’s so much anger in her voice it rips right through her and Debbie takes a step closer to her, confused when Lou evades her. “You don't get to touch me right now! You spend the entire night flirting up other people and then you - you -”

“What?!” Debbie interrupts her, completely taken aback. What is she talking about? Nothing had happened - she knows about Lou’s possessive streak, but her behavior right now is ridiculous. “Is that what this is? You’re _jealous_?!”

“Yes, actually, I am! We’re dating, Debbie, or have you forgotten that over the drinks you flirted yourself to?”

Debbie stares at her, speechless for a second as her mind flashes back to minutes before, to the redhead she'd been talking to, and as the images come back to her, it slowly dawns on her. She hears her own giggles in her head, remembers the touch of her hand on the other woman’s arm, the way she leaned towards her, realizes how that must have looked. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. "Lou, that's not-"

She doesn't get any further, can’t tell her that she never had _any_ intentions with that woman because clearly Lou isn't finished yet, trying to get the words out before they drown her.

“I can't believe you spent your evening flirting with literally anyone who so much as looked at you! Did you want to fuck her? Just fucking tell me if I’m not enough for you, alright?”

She’s raising her voice, and somewhere in the back of her mind it registers that maybe they should go home, that they should talk about this properly but she can’t, not right now, because seeing Debbie flirting with someone else always sends a frisson of jealousy through her, but watching her tonight - it made her blood boil on the other side of the bar, glancing over every so often. Usually she has the certainty that it's for the job, that _nothing_ about that saccharine smile and her big, innocent eyes is real, but tonight? It's only served to make her more insecure because their jobs have been small and they’re running out of money steadily and she knows that Debbie likes to live it up. What she doesn't know is whether she likes that more than she likes Lou.

“ _Lou_ ,” Debbie tries, desperate now - it's no surprise to her that she flirts easily, that it's like second nature to her after years of practise. And somehow her behavior tonight was no different from any job, except it was because there was no heist, no mark. It was still a facade, still not real because only Lou is allowed to look behind that, has been for many, many years. But she realizes now how easily she falls into her habits instead of Lou's arms and the shame rises from deep inside her when she remembers that she had wanted to turn the woman down, except then she’d offered her an expensive glass of whiskey and Debbie had smiled and accepted instead.

“Do you have _any_ idea what that feels like? To have to watch you like that, to see you wanting someone else?”

Lou is shouting now and Debbie looks around self-consciously, trying to check if there are any onlookers, but Lou’s voice cuts her attention. “ _Now_ you're worried about what other people might think? You should have considered that before, _darling_!”

“Lou,” Debbie tries again, softly and carefully, reaching out.

“No, don't - just don't!”

Lou swats her hand away and with that she starts walking again, away from Debbie, because there’s not much else she can think of doing. She wants to be home, to curl up under the blankets and scream into the pillow, and hopes that Debbie will leave her alone then, at least. The jealousy is still burning hot inside her veins and anger claws its way up her throat, leaving her breathless. She isn’t sure who she’s angry at in particular - all she knows is that it feels like Debbie is slowly slipping out of her grasp and she doesn’t know what to do about that, how to keep her close without suffocating her. With anyone else she would have been up and gone already, but she can’t seem to able to do that with Debbie. They’re in far too deep with each other and she knows they need to talk about it, but even as her feet carry her down the familiar streets to their apartment she knows she won’t be able to talk about this properly. There’s too much anger inside her and so she keeps walking, trying not to let the images of Debbie and someone else consume her.

 

Debbie’s all but fighting to keep up with Lou’s pace, her mind running wild as she tries to find a way to fix this, a way to explain herself and make Lou listen to her. The problem is, she doesn’t know what exactly she _wants_ to say. She loves Lou, she knows that, she’s sure of it, more certain about that than anything else in her life, but some part of her still decided to flirt with someone else without even thinking about Lou and she has no idea how she could do that. Some part of her brain tells her she does know, that she saw her expensive watch and the elegant earrings and couldn’t resist a fancy drink, and the realization tastes like acid on her tongue.

Her eyes are firmly on Lou and she feels another jab of pain right through her heart at the sight of her girlfriend, shoulders squared and head held high like she always walks, but Debbie knows how defeated she looked when she took off. She deserves better, Debbie thinks, better than someone who can’t resist the shiny promise of money when all she really needs is her.

She’s so lost in her mind that she doesn’t even realize when they’ve arrived, but Lou doesn’t pause to wait for Debbie before heading into their apartment. It only unsettles the woman left behind even more; usually, Lou would at least try to make sure Debbie was there with her, even when they fought. Taking a deep breath, Debbie waits until she has composed herself before following Lou up the stairs.

She catches her right as Lou tries to hide in their room, grabs her wrist and pulls her back.

“Let me go,” the blonde says calmly, trying to pull her hand out of Debbie’s grip.

“Lou…”

Words linger on Debbie’s lips, but none become vocal. She doesn’t know what she’s trying to say, how to say it. All she knows is that she doesn’t want to be alone, without Lou, especially not like this. Neither of them should be on their own right now - they need to talk through it together, but she doesn’t know if they can actually do that.

“Let. Go.” Lou raises her voice a bit, and there’s hurt in the anger now, clear and sharp.

“Lou, I’m sorry, please - please talk to me.”

“Let go,” Lou repeats, her voice softer but still determined as she tries to wriggle out of Debbie’s hold. But Debbie doesn't let go, doesn't ease her grip, desperately trying to get Lou to look at her.

"Please," Debbie whispers, and then she sinks to her knees because there's no other way she can think of anymore. Words may evade her and Lou won’t give her the time to find them, but she needs to make her understand that she’s sorry, that she’s willing to do anything to make this right.

“Punish me.” _I deserve it_.

The sharp intake of breath, the way Lou’s arm muscles tense and release where her fingers are still curled around Lou’s forearm tell her it takes Lou by surprise. There’s a heavy pause and her own heart feels like it's going to jump out of her chest as she looks up hesitantly because she’s nervous, suddenly, scared that it was the wrong thing to say even if Lou hasn’t pushed her away.

“What do you mean, punish you?”

Lou’s voice is low, quiet, with a subtle edge to it that’s almost threatening. She doesn’t know what to make of this and she’s daring her to take her words back, to think about what she just said because if she means it the way it sounded, there’s so much to that Lou doesn’t even know how to unpack.

“What do you want me to do?” she asks, careful, watching the way Debbie reacts to it with a shuddering breath and a shy glance upwards, her brown eyes wide and imploring.

“I don’t know. Anything you want,” she says, finally, her voice small as she barely meets Lou’s eyes.

Debbie takes a breath that gets caught in her throat, looking like she's preparing to leap.

“S-spank me?”

Lou takes another deep breath, and there’s a tiny shudder running through her at the words, at the way Debbie looks up at her like she's begging her. It’s not that they haven't done that before, but it was always _for_ Debbie, always her demons that needed exercising - _this_ is purely for Lou, because Debbie has never asked for it, has always needed Lou to take charge and give that to her, but now she’s offering herself, her weakness, and Lou can't deny that the thought sends shivers of satisfaction through her system. The idea of Debbie bending to her will, the knowledge that even the offer shows how much Debbie trusts her, it settles the raging storm inside her for just a second.

“Are you sure?”

The open vulnerability on Debbie’s face is almost too much as she looks up at Lou. “Please.”

 

Lou closes her eyes for a second, trying to find the will power to push her away like she's wanted to do since she watched her flirting. Somehow she can't, though, not when Debbie is on the floor before her, kneeling and asking her to punish her. Some part of her wonders if it’s deliberate manipulation, if Debbie just wants to gain her trust again so she won't have to worry about Lou the next time she just wants someone else. It’s a thought she shakes from her head almost before she finishes it because Debbie may be a brilliant con woman but there are limits, even for her. Letting Lou put her over her knee is certainly one of them.

So she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes again to find Debbie still looking at her, still so small.

With her foot, Lou kicks the door behind her open a little further and tugs at her arm that's still held in Debbie’s hand, the skin there so warm. “Come on.”

She’s almost surprised to feel Debbie’s hold loosening but she doesn't let it show when she pulls her hand free and turns to walk into the bedroom, hearing Debbie get up behind her. For a brief second she wants to make her stay there, on her knees, to make her wait like that and to make her crawl towards her, but she's not cruel. She doesn't want to make Debbie uncomfortable, not truly and not like that, and so she glances over her shoulder as she moves to take her rings off to find Debbie standing near the bed, uncertain.

“Clothes off, you know the rules.”

She’s barely looking at her but she does catch the shiver that runs through Debbie's body at the command. This might have never been sexual for them, but there are certain aspects of it that are arousing nevertheless; for Debbie, it’s definitely Lou’s dominant demeanor.

Lou doesn't spare her a second glance, satisfied to hear the rustling of clothes as Debbie undresses, and moves to tie her hair into a ponytail once she puts the last of her rings down. Having her hair falling in her face is definitely annoying, especially like this. She tightens it with a little more strength than necessary, maybe, but the sting reminds her to focus, reminds her of the pain inside her.

When she turns back around, Debbie is naked, still standing awkwardly next to the bed and watching her with big, sad eyes. Lou shakes the feeling of empathy that overcomes her at the sight and she crosses the space with sure steps.

Sitting down on the bed, she feels her hands curl into fists almost involuntarily as she feels her anger return suddenly at the prospect of what to follow. She takes another breath before looking at Debbie again.

“Over my lap.”

  


She wanted this, she still wants it, but it's scary and weird now that she's actually bent over Lou’s lap. The shame is welling up inside her and she closes her eyes, tries to distract herself, but it only works so well until Lou’s hand strokes over her ass.

"I want you to count for me," Lou instructs her. Her voice is rough and she’s almost trembling with the anticipation running through her, anger still there but evening out just a little with every shudder running through Debbie in her lap. This is about power, about Debbie placing her trust and vulnerability in Lou’s hands for her to do with as she will, and she cherishes that despite the circumstances.

/smack/

"Ah! One," Debbie gasps, hands curling into fists where Lou holds them behind her back.

/smack/

"Two!"

/smack/

"Fuck! Three!"

It's clear that Lou eases into it, too, picking up an easy rhythm, always giving Debbie a few seconds to count and relax again before the next hit. She’s not cruel but she's barely holding back either, not using full force but almost because she _is_ angry and this _is_ about punishment and some part of her wants it to hurt, wants Debbie to share the pain she feels inside.

 

By the time she reaches ten, Debbie feels like she’s buzzing. She can practically feel the tension bleeding out of Lou’s body with every hit, feels herself let go, too, the thoughts in her brain drowned out by the sharp pain of Lou's hand and the shame taking over every part of her.

Her ass is beginning to hurt, but she knows Lou’s far from done. A quiet voice inside her head tells her she wants that, wants Lou to take her apart completely, because _this_ is something they’re both good at. Words aren't their department but touch, the quiet language of their bodies, has always worked between them. So she lets the pain spread through her and welcomes it, the uncertainty of before washing away. Words are no longer needed when Lou is there, telling her everything she needs to know with the palm of her hand.

 

By fifteen, it actually hurts, and Lou picks up on it, running her hands soothingly over her skin, giving her more time to relax. The knowledge that Debbie is doing this _for her_ strikes her again and it softens her touch almost unintentionally. She loves her, so much, and she doesn't really want to hurt her but seeing her tonight broke her heart in ways she _has_ imagined - denying it will do neither of them any good - and yet it still hurt more than she was ever ready for.

But now, as Debbie’s writhing in her lap, skin painted pink already, Lou feels the control coming back to her from where it slipped out of her grasp with every minute of watching Debbie. It strengthens her resolve again as her nostrils flare with a deep breath and she draws back, determined.

/smack/

"Ah!" That one really hurts, right on the most tender area of her ass, and Debbie’s legs kick out instinctively. The white pain flashes through her quicker than light and she's left with the sharp prickling sensation, familiar but deeper than before, more painful. She’s barely relaxed again before suddenly Lou’s hand is in her hair and yanks on it, pulling her head back to whisper into her ear.

"I didn't hear you, baby, what number was that?"

"Fuck, I'm sorry,” she whimpers, scalp tingling where Lou grips her hair. ”Sixteen, I'm sorry!"

"Good girl, Debbie."

It’s unexpected and the praise washes over her and soothes her almost immediately, Lou’s hand in her hair releasing her grip. The knowledge that Lou _means_ that, that she wouldn't just say something like that if she didn't, makes her feel like she's going to be okay for the first time now.

/smack/

"Seventeen!"

Debbie breathes deeply when suddenly she feels a tear running down her cheek, completely unanticipated. Before she can blink them back there are more tears pooling in her eyes and she whimpers helplessly, unable to do anything against it.

She feels her insides twisting when Lou’s hair brushes over her shoulder as Lou bends down to place a soft kiss to Debbie’s shoulder blade. “My good girl,” Lou murmurs in her ear again, her hands stroking her skin soothingly, and Debbie shakes her head, whimpering in protest. She hurt Lou, she broke her heart and she’s _not_ her good girl, she doesn't _deserve_ to be called that.

Lou can't see her tears but she knows they’re there from the sounds leaving Debbie's lips. She lets her hand move up to Debbie’s head, gently holds her head down and scratches her scalp in soothing little motions. It’s clear what Debbie means with the shake of her head, that she doesn't feel like she deserves the praise.

It tells her they’re not quite _there_ yet, and something inside Lou settles at the knowledge that Debbie is willing to do this for her, and her own fingers twitch at the knowledge as she withdraws again.

/smack/

"Eighteen, I'm sorry Lou, I'm sorry," Debbie gasps, has to fight to keep herself in position, draped over Lou’s lap with her arms behind her back. There are more tears running over her cheeks and she buries her face in the sheet, trying to calm down. It's cathartic in a way, but there's shame, so much shame that she’s trying to hold at bay but she can't, and it only makes her cry harder.

The quiet whimpers leaving Debbie's lips, completely unintentional, settle the last of Lou's urge to push her away even if the hurt is still there, the feeling of betrayal that they’ll need to talk through. She’s not sure they’ve ever gone this far - to the point of crying, sure, but usually she stops then. This time, though, she feels her anger dissipate, her own head clearing, and maybe for the first time, she gets why Debbie needs this.

It makes her want to push her, knowing her breaking point is not too far away when Debbie sobs again.

"Shhh, baby, just two more, alright?"

Lou’s voice is there, anchoring her just like the steady touch of her hands, and Debbie nods into the mattress. There’s nothing she wouldn't do for her, and this is so much easier than letting Lou go, because she's selfish and she wants to keep her even if some days she realizes that Lou could do so much better than her.

/smack/

She groans and lifts her head up to weakly mumble her number and then Lou’s hand withdraws way sooner than she would have liked.

/smack/

"Twenty! Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm -"

Before she knows it Lou has helped her up and turned her around to face her, straddling Lou’s lap. "I'm sorry," Debbie sniffles again, hiding her face in Lou’s neck. She doesn't stop to think about whether to lean on her because Lou pulls her in, soft and strong all at once.

"Shhh, I know, it's alright. You did so well, baby girl, you're so good for me."

Lou’s arms wrap around her and hold her tight, hands rubbing over her back in soothing motions. "My good girl, you're so perfect."

Debbie doesn't even know why she's crying; it's not exactly the pain because that's nothing she can't handle, but the shame and regret overwhelm her and it makes the dam break.

"I'm sorry," she whimpers, forehead pressed against Lou’s shoulder and tears rolling down her cheeks, because nothing about her is _perfect_ but somehow Lou apparently still sees her that way and she can't get it into her mind how she could possibly believe that. There’s nothing she can remember she has ever regretted this much and Lou deserves so much better and yet she's here, holding Debbie and telling her it’s alright.

One of Lou's hands moves from her back to her hair and Lou begins running her fingers through it. It calms Lou as much as it does Debbie and another shudder runs through the brunette on her lap. They need to talk, Lou thinks, so much, but right now Debbie’s there and her vocal apologies are nothing compared to the silent pleas of her body, and Lou understands her better like this than anyone else.

"You’re alright, Debbie, such a good girl," Lou whispers, calm and reassuring in Debbie’s ear, her fingers scratching lightly at the nape of her neck. "Shh, baby, let it out."   
  
It's like those words shatter the last of Debbie’s walls and she lets her tears fall freely then, sobbing in Lou’s arms. So many things that she can't say, the words hidden in the wet streaks on Lou’s t-shirt and the shape of her fingers curled around Lou’s shoulders, finally finding their way out.

Through all of it, Lou’s soothing words are there in her ear, calm and soft like the hands stroking her back. She doesn't know how long they actually sit like that, Debbie straddling Lou with her face buried in her neck, but she doesn't care, either. What matters are Lou’s arms around her holding her tight, Lou’s quiet words telling her that it's alright.

And Lou means them, every single word. She loves her and she wants her to know that, wants her to know that she's willing to listen to her now.

It takes them a while, but eventually Debbie lifts her head from where it was resting in the crook of Lou’s neck and leans back a little. She catches Lou’s eyes and her own are puffy, red and tear-stained, but seeing the hurt still swimming in Lou’s makes her heart crack.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, holds the eye contact and holds Lou’s hand a little tighter in hers when she feels Lou moving to reach up.

“No, please, I - I’m sorry, I really am - I need you to know that, Lou.” She takes a deep breath and continues before Lou can open her mouth to speak. “I love you, and I would say I have no idea what made me do _that_ -” The simple word tastes like acid on her tongue, knowing what it references. “- but I do know and it has nothing to do with you, Lou. It’s me, my fault, because I'm a fucking magpie who can't resist anything that promises money even if you're all I need, right here-”

Her voice breaks a little, the words rushing out of her mouth but not fast enough because her emotions catch up with her faster.

“I love you, for fuck’s sake, and I’ll do anything to make this right, anything to make sure you know how much you mean to me - I'll never let this happen again, baby, I can't -”

A single tear leaks from her eye and she brushes it away faster than Lou can react.

“I know you can't forgive me right now, and I don't ask that of you, but I want you to know that there's nothing I wouldn't do to make sure this never even happened, okay?”

She’s right; Lou won't be able to forgive her just like that, but she knows Debbie means what she says, sees the sincerity in her eyes. She never wanted Debbie to need her, because Debbie is strong and independent and changing anything about that would just be wrong, but knowing Debbie _wants_ her - it tames the jealousy, eases the hurt. Just a little.

“I don’t want anyone else,” Debbie whispers, so quiet she just barely hears it but the look in her eyes tells Lou it’s meant like that - for her ears only.

It’s what she desperately needed to hear, and she knows the tears are coming before she feels them, spilling out.

“Oh no, no, Lou, I’m so sorry-”

Debbie reaches out to brush the tears from her cheeks, cups her face and winds an arm around her, pulls the ponytail free from the hairband and brings Lou’s head close.

Just like that their positions are reversed. Debbie is still in Lou’s lap but now she’s holding Lou and _Lou’s_ crying and somehow that feels right, better than it should. Lou leans her head against Debbie’s shoulder and lets the tears fall quietly. Having Debbie there, holding her, makes her feel better than she thought it would and she leans into her embrace, soaks up the warmth of Debbie’s body.

They sit like that for a while and Lou barely makes a sound because she doesn't cry much, but it’s still cathartic. She can feel Debbie’s heartbeat against her, feels her chest rise with every small breath she takes and feels Debbie’s hands in her hair, stroking gently, feels the physical connection she needs so badly.

The vulnerability is odd; she doesn't like being vulnerable, she doesn't usually cry it out in Debbie’s arms even if she _is_ the more emotionally open between them, but somehow it feels right in this moment because yes, control is nice and she's always in control, but having regained it is what allows her to let go now; giving it up on her own is a lot more comfortable than having it ripped out of her hands.

Breathing deeply, she nuzzles closer, hiding her face in the crook of Debbie’s neck like her lover did minutes before, trying to find the words to tell her what she wants to say.

“I felt so helpless,” she admits, finally, almost too quiet for Debbie to hear. “I had no idea what you were doing, but I always know that and then suddenly I didn't and it just - it made me feel so small, you know?”

The quiet words are shaky, nothing more than a whisper and pressed out in one breath and Debbie closes her eyes, all the shame rising right up again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, placing a small kiss to Lou’s head. “I’m so sorry.”  

And Lou knows she is. She knew the second Debbie dropped to her knees because Debbie Ocean doesn't give up her control either, doesn't let go of it even if you attempt to rip it out of her hands. But there she was and knowing Debbie was willing to give up her own control to help Lou regain hers… it’s unparalleled.

Lou smiles a little despite herself, hidden still against Debbie’s shoulder but she tightens her arms around her and looks up then, meeting her eyes as Debbie opens her mouth to speak.

“Are we going to be alright?”

Debbie is looking at her with such an open vulnerability in her eyes it almost breaks Lou’s heart. But she holds the pieces together and takes Debbie’s hands once more, squeezing them in hers.

“Yeah, we will.” She takes a deep breath and offers a weak smile. “I’d never want to lose you.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me! I'm more than interested to hear what you think of this!


End file.
